20 Things I Wouldn't Do for $1,000,000 and Induction into the Round-Robin Story Tellers' Hall of Fame, by Randy 'Mullet' O'Dinga
Blue = Mårten Lind
Green = Andreas Nyström
Red = Anders Bylund
Teal = Andreas Lind
On a clear and rather boring day, I often just sit around wondering what became of me and the glorious ambitions to become stinkingly rich. I never really doubted my ability to cold-canvass dental floss and encase small squirrels in golden snuff boxes, but I did doubt the utility value of tin-foiling parrot droppings for a living. I couldn't have been more mistaken.
My good friend
Starting a letter can be a pain in the (_!_) , but these three words seemed felt appropriate. With this letter, I thee wed would have been a terrible pun unless I didn't continue with I thee worship. But regardless, this letter aims to fully explore the depths of my rampaging ignorance in how to, successfully, acquire money.
Firstly, I lead a life blissfully unaffected by commodity prices and contemporary art. Furthermore, deep was my lack of competence in appraising stock options and diamond rings. Lastly, I never had reason to learn how to hotwire golf carts and trick obese mammals into doing various hand-tricks without opposable thumbs. However, I'm naturally great at doing no harm to endangered species which doesn't really, really deserve it as much as the ubiquitous domesticated housecat. Man, do they deserve to hear my list now or what? Well, probably not. Anyway, as I was saying, the modern vermin, the Felix catus, have no redeeming qualities whatsoever; if all felines would be kind enough to self-combust or, even better, brutally tear across a busy turnpike, I would be a much happier schizophrenic. Now for the list: (once, when I was a much younger, I used to procrastinate to the point of no return; I put off important meetings ad nauseam only to discover that people still showed up, despite my sincere attempts to discourage such behavior.)
1. I wouldn't run headfirst into a stonewall without a significant throng of people watching my sycophantic attempt at becoming the first non-kosher person to perform a halal yet lobotomizing stunt.
2. I wouldn't accept invitations from cows.
3. I wouldn't take my chances on the Florida Turnpike.
4. I wouldn't prefer starched petticoats stuffed down my throat to bleached dito down someone else's dito.
5. I would never sit through an entire lecture on the natural habitat of single-parent crustaceans vis-à-vis that of extinct feline-primate hybrids.
6. Neither would I ever dance to ABBA without taking appropriate safety measures; proper insurance against lethargy, narcolepsic fits and involuntary flatulence.
7. Under no circumstances whatsoever would I ever walk 500 miles without a clear destination in mind.
8. In addition, I definitely wouldn't feast on cockroaches while they feast on me.
9. Furthermore, I would hardly recite epic Greek poetry at Bikerfest after scratching a vintage Harley.
10. Should opportunity arise, I would likewise never apply for citizenship in Graceland lest my family thought I was a bad role model for understimulated Las Vegas overeaters like myself.
11. Unless really, really late in life, I would never consider moving to Fort Lauderdale or any other golden age resort to spend eternity in boredom.
12-15. I could never be coerced into having triplets.
16. Would I ever rent a snuff-porn crossover movie? Not unless I felt like it.
17. During the ubiquitous appearances of Carl Gustavius XVI rex at official state functions across the globe, I wouldn't dream of posing as His fiancée.
18. I've forgotten this one.
19. I would never kill my darlings.
20. There is no way I would ever end a story with a damp squib.
And that concludes my list.